Small Wins

Originally I was planning to write about a health related small win, and how it’s really those little things that keep you going. And while I’ll still mention that, the Universe felt it necessary to point out that it’s not just health stuff where that matters – it’s life in general. I know that everyone under the sun has heard “it’s the little things that count,” and I’m no different. I’m also not here to preach that to you. I *am* here to tell you that I often – too often – forget to really acknowledge the profoundness in the every day.

I’ve been forgetting and remembering that I was going to do a post for days now. I had finally talked sense into myself that even short posts with consistency are better than bigger ones every blue moon. And so I sat down on the couch and opened my laptop. I was met with the “Your computer needs to install updates. Do it now?” popup window, and I said yeah sure. Well once it installed the updates, it then tried rebooting…and got stuck in a loop. It said there was no hardware to boot and the startup was unsuccessful. It screamed at me for a while at one point and scared the cat. After 10 minutes of this loop, and getting so hot I could probably fry an egg on it, I forced it to shut down and closed the lid. I let it cool down, opened the lid, and I got “Undoing changes to your computer” which then led into a normal boot up and login screen. I’m currently writing from my laptop. It had immediate buyer’s remorse with the updates it seems and took them all back.

I’m telling you this because it’s actually relevant to the idea of small wins. No, having an unusable computer isn’t a win, but here’s what it did: it gave me an opportunity to either be patient and persist, or decide “Well that’s one less thing I have to do now” and cut my losses. One leads to growth and one stays in the comfort of safety. This is a seemly very small thing, but the choice is important. Even if no one sees this, it’s important for me to build a new habit again. One I miss dearly, and one that has somehow become very scary.

The original win I was going to write about, was the fact I can take what I call “normal showers” now with wonderful consistency. Like I mentioned, dizziness has been my biggest issue with MS, and with that showers became frightening and a huge chore. I couldn’t tip my head back because I’d get so dizzy I’d lose my balance. Plus I was super sensitive to the heat which would make me nauseous and/or feel like I was going to pass out. So then, in my tepid, barely lukewarm shower, I’d have to wash my hair by turning to one side, putting one hand on the wall for support and using the other to rinse my hair, then slowly turn around and do the same for the other side. All while not moving my head. I wouldn’t recommend it, it’s not a good time.

That was almost three years ago. In just the last few months I’ve gotten to where I can have a normal shower consistently! Normal temperature, tipping my head back, no holding on and feeling like I’m going to pass out or fall over. Is it perfect? No. Is it WAY better? Yes. I still struggle with dizziness and balance, but much less now than I used to. The thing about it is, I’ve had to work really, really hard over the last couple years in particular to make these little improvements. And more times than I can count I’ve felt that I haven’t made any progress and I’m actually getting worse.

It’s really the small wins that matter. They’re there to remind you that your hard work is actually paying off. And that, even if some days it feels hopeless, it’s not, because you’re still going and you didn’t give up. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go take a shower.